...

And yes i decided to write in a language that i can fully express me , all of me, the entire me to you . i cannot fantasise us anymore far , its like you turn the day back and read the previous blog i wrote an entire different aspect of us... all my insecurities parading in the words i lay here, how can i even write sensibly , how can i even think i am true to you ... how can i mock me and the emotions that exist here now in this way.... how.... i do not know why , u dont deserve this and neither do i , its becoming suffocating , all the words , the memories , the moments , everything. its like your words are piercing my ears and then there is a blank continuous sound of silence that is burning my ears and i am desperately trying to avoid it as if its loud.. well it is ... promises are loud to me , and i now, as far as we go and as far as im concerned i am reluctantly oblivious to any promises and love oaths that i happen to witness.  i love you a lot , i can barely say i do not, but this is suicide, to me , i know we can some how make it, i know it . i believe i am hard to live with and it must be a challenge for someone to bare me , i might also be crazy at a point and this is something u do not have to put up with. i love being loved and cared , and kissed and cherished in a unique a pair of eyes can cherish me , can really penetrate me and win me .... i need to feel this , i need to feel i am special at all times , i need to feel needed and all at the same time sheltered , protected ...... by you .... i can tell u i can feel all these emotions by other people strange ones , people i have never met , or barely know , and its painful , how can one seek for all these emotions in other eyes , bodies , souls ....and i keep on feeling like a naked body in a corner, emotionally raped, and vulnerable...so  vulnerable ... feeling weak, and my knees aching unable to support all the sum of the tears crawling up my eyes invading and wanting to break out causing an inevitable flood of turmoil and heat and anger..... and yet it is not your fault at least not entirely.... no its not .... its me , i am this kind of person i tried to push back and hide from the light that can show who i really am. you just took the vale off me and revealed me ... the me i safely buried under a pile of forgiveness , and naivety... its ok ....healing will appear at some point , and i will still love you . you can ran, hide , even escape ... there is nothing to hold you here , i might myself not want or be able to keep you here.. i choose to be a alone , to be free and forever encaged in myself ... it is better this way .


love u x